Love

Why is it that love can do whatever it wants? It's not something we get to choose. Not something we get to plan (and everyone that knows me knows I'm having issue with that fact.) not even something that makes sense.

The love for our kids is one thing. My kids have been everything to me for almost 18 years. (still hard to believe Matt will be 18 next May)That love never changes, never wavers. But love for another. Love for a man. WTF?

But the love for another person. How exactly does that happen. What makes us think we're in love anyway? Maybe you start out so happy. You get along and like to spend time together. But then somehow, as time goes on, things change. People change and grow. David and I grew apart. That was strikingly obvious.
Matt and Megan are such a blessing to have as a result of David and my love. beautiful kids, and I couldn't imagine living without them. But why do they have to deal with mom and dad in separate lives? What could I have done differently 21 years ago?

Then there's Eric and I. Some people say they saw this coming. Inevitable. The love must have been there in the beginning. We spent time together and talked to each other. But somewhere along our path we started walking next to eachother rather than with each other. And somewhere those paths next to eachother formed a y in the road. We walked along different paths, not even noticing the other was gone for so long. If you look at our lives, how could it not be that way? What we went through. Losing littel Eric. Of course that was hard. Someone told me once that we will not get through that without help. How true. Smart woman. She had been through the same type situation. Should have listened I guess. No way that burying a baby can not change a person. Maybe that's where our paths separated.

Or maybe it was in the first year and a half after Levi and Vivian came home. I was so engrossed in their care. Maybe that was where our paths left each other as I focused on the kids that needed every minute of my time. I morphed into nothing but mom. So different than myself before.
No way I could say I have not changed in the time of our relationship. I've gone from mom to nothing-but-mom, back into the workforce, and slowly back into myself at some point.

And I have seen change in Eric. Losing his son changed him. How could it not? And then losing his dad, too. Someone could probably argue that it is completely normal for him to focus on his own needs and hobbies. After all, our paths were moving farther from each other. We were both trying to survive. And we did. But we missed that point of recognition somewhere along the path. We never realized that we had left eachother behind.

So here we are. We try to figure out what we do. Mom and Dad. Together rasing some kids. Levi and Vivian should have mom and dad together. That's what's best for them. That's what is supposed to be. They were born out of a love of two people. A love that changed as the people changed. Eric and I have been through a lot in the last 6years. So where do we go from here?


A person can't choose love. It happens. Planned or not. It makes sense, then, that it also dissappears. Wether you want it to or not.

But where from here?