Being caught by surprise...

We had the March for Babies walk today. For the first year we did the short "family fun walk" since the kids are walking more now. Levi still rode almost the whole way in the stroller, but he did walk some. Our team didn't raise as much as last year, but we had more team members, and more people walked with us, which was great. Some of the kids from Megan's school signed up, some walked and some were even able to raise money.

And I have to say: Thank you so much you guys!! Megan's teacher Mrs. Railsback joined us, as well as one of her friends' moms, and that was great!

I had a great time at the walk, and again am so glad we did it.

But, on to being caught by surprise:

The last few days have been very emotional. I've thought about Little Eric alot, and that could be partly due to fatigue; i've been working a lot of hours. But also because I walk for MOD because I want to prevent other babies' deaths, so Eric is always there on the surface.

But I was literally caught by surprise today. There was a set of triplets in a runabout like our old one. Of course I noticed them, as did others. But what I didn't expect was the tears that welled up in my eyes as I saw them. How can it still hurt this bad? How can it still be so raw? I'm almost seven years out from this. You'd think I'd be numb by now. Or at least ready for the wave of emotion. But i'm just not. I never expect the overwhelming wave of emotion. It's still there, and still so freakin strong.

And it's not that I am the only mother that walked today that had lost a baby. Believe me, they are everywhere. Maybe that's what gets to me. They are everywhere. Literally. It could be the quiet woman in line next to you in Target. The dishevelled looking mom with small children surrounding her in the grocery line. The lady jogging past on the sidewalk. The person in the car next to you at the stoplight.

The one common thread that is usually silent and almost always invisible. No words can make it better, and that wave can hit at any moment.

It sucks being cuaght by surprise...


Nan & Mike said...

Im so happy you walked, and I can imagine all of the emotions it surfaces. Thank you for sharing that even though its been 7 years, that it still hits you...I feel like I am not alone in that it will always hurt to have those visual triggers. Im sorry it still hits you. I try to turn it into a thought of my sweet babies sending me some love from above. Hugs hon, Nan xxx

Jessica said...

I have been feeling the same lately. I'm sorry to hear that 7 years out it is still hard but it makes me feel a little more normal that 2 years out I am having such a tough time. We walked too and it made me feel so close to Hadley but also made me miss her that much more. I wish were not both walking this same road without our children. Lots of hugs to you!