Today is bad. The kids are older, and of course life goes on, but tensions run higher, and even five years after the fact tears are always just a bit too close to the surface.
There is always what I call a 'memory walk' running in my mind. from their birthday until today, and even until the day of the funeral. not constant, but memories that every so often that grab me by surprise.
Memories like when I looked into eric's girrafe bed, and he opened his eyes and looked straight at me, and I knew I was so helpless. Knew there was nothing I could do. Nothing. I looked into my son's eyes, and could do nothing for the little boy that seemed to be pleading with me to make it better.
Memories that make tears well up in my eyes even while I'm at work.
Like when we were in the "big meeting" to discuss our options with Eric's medical needs and his heart stopped while they were trying to place yet another IV that had failed. I'll never forget the call from his bedside that day, as I peered through the window, past my son, past my daughter, and focused on my fristborn triplet with so many nurses at his bedside.
Oddly enough my friends know what brings those tears to the surface, but my husband always wants to know; "what's wrong with you?? why are you crying?"
Bad day. It's almost over.
I wish I could go back 5 years and hold my little boy again.